Buttons

This will be my last post on same-sex marriage and same-sex parenthood for a while. It will be harder to assert that this is not my number one issue if I keep writing about it, but I thought double-dipping posts by sharing papers I had to write for class fit right into my busy schedule!

Here was my most recent assignment description:

You will be given a button that says “Support Gay Rights.” You decide whether you will wear the button or not, it is up to you. Regardless, you will write a one page paper describing your decision of whether or not to wear the button and how that affected you. How did people react to the button? Were there some times that you felt more comfortable wearing the button? What does this say about how gay people may feel? Reflect on what the button means to you. If you do not know what “Gay Rights” are, how can you find out?

Notice how they pointed out that "gay rights," as they have defined it, are factual, definable rights that I could go look up somewhere rather than showing openness for discussion.

And my reflection:

The button, minus the
"Support Gay Rights" caption

I chose not to wear the button. To prevent myself from forgetting to return the button, I never actually took one to begin with.

This issue is divisive on a number of levels, as our conversations and the film we watched have shown. The film focused on the idea that those who oppose changing the definition of marriage to include same sex marriage get their arguments from the Bible.

I’m here to object to that stereotype, as I have reasons beyond the ones proposed in the film that oppose gay marriage and the adoption of children that often follows. As someone who will be married in about a month, I will point out that I don’t consider marriage a “right” or something that I’m entitled to just because I’m in love with someone of the opposite sex.

Marriage is a foundational building block of our society, as well as virtually every society (non-Judeo-Christian and Judeo-Christian, alike) that has formed in our world. Men and women exist on this Earth as counterpart human beings, not just because of their sexual organs and typical attraction to each other, but because of their biological attributes that complement each other. True, one reason that marriage exists and that the government recognizes it with so many tax and other benefits, is because most marriage unions result in bringing children into the world and into our society.

“Homosexual relationships do nothing to serve the state interest of propagating society, so there is no reason to grant them the costly benefits of marriage,” wrote atheist Adam Kolasinksi. My fellow students may argue that lesbian unions can result in children through artificial insemination. Not only do I believe that removes the beauty of what sex was intended to be from the act of creating a child, but the argument fails to address the fact that we have seen ample evidence to support the need for both a male and female parental unit (anecdotally, David Popenoe's Life Without Father presents a clear message on this topic).

I wish someone would answer the question why free birth control and increased access to abortion are so often supported with the argument that they aim to prevent the increase in single parent homes. There is so much research to support the benefit of a two-parent, dual gender role home in the context of the alternative of a single parent home, but the same doesn’t apply when the topic of same sex marriage and same sex adoption arises.

This is the most comprehensive study to date on the subject of same sex parenthood. It clearly shows that adults 18-39 who grew up in same-sex parent homes have an increased likelihood of smoking, getting arrested, pleading guilty, being on public assistance, being unemployed, to have recently thought about suicide (and many other things), and are less likely to have perceived themselves safe or secure as a child than those who were raised in an "intact" traditional mother-father parent family. 

From the above-linked study

There is probably a greater percentage of people who support same-sex marriage separately from same-sex parenthood and who may even oppose same-sex parenthood for the aforementioned reasons. However, I would pose the question about why that is. Why oppose same-sex parenthood for one reason, but support the institution of marriage to extend to include the very relationship you condone as less than healthy for children?

It’s a rich issue that is open to a lot of discussion, albeit unfortunately divisive discussion. The only “reaction” I can report is that which I faced when I shared with my shoulder partners in class about why I would not wear the pin.

I understand that this is the currently popular position and that my fellow classmates hear the word “rights” and throw their hands up in salute so as not to stand in someone else’s way of social justice. However, I argue that the “right” to marry not only does not extend to same sex couples, but also to three people who want to get married to each other.

Buttons

Multicultural Education

This was the week. I've been praying in anticipation for my multicultural education class this week, knowing that the topic would be "heterosexism." This really isn't my number one concern for our world, but I knew I would be in the minority on this issue and didn't want to neglect my call to it.

In preparation for this week, the professors gave everyone a circle pin that says "Support Gay Rights," asking us to make our own choice about whether or not to wear it for two weeks. There is a reflection assignment due at the end of the semester reviewing our choice. No discussion, just "will they or won't they?"

I prayed that I could open up my heart to be the Holy Spirit's instrument and that I would be able to communicate Love for person, while still speaking the Truth. I knew this would probably alienate me from most of my classmates.

We have to write a reflection paper at the end of every session of "Multicultural Education." This was mine:

This debate is demeaning Love down to this.

As is my habit, I think I made my views somewhat clear last night. The risk with having views such as mine, especially after the entire class watched that film ["For the Bible Tells Me So"], is that voicing them falls on ears that already have opinions about me as an Other. I wish the button experiment was a discussion rather than an assumption that choosing not to wear the button means one is a bigot or a religious nut. I make a very conscious choice never to use “gay” as a derogatory or to refer to people with same sex attraction as an Other. People with same sex attraction face a lot more struggles than I can comprehend and just like other people who face struggles I don’t fully understand, they deserve my respect and compassion. This issue truly isn’t my number one concern, but I think it influences a lot of other parts of our society that concern me (ie, adoption of children by gay couples intentionally removes a parental role from the family). I understand that I am in a shrinking minority, but the message that I kept hearing last night (“Don’t like gay marriage? Don’t get one.”) is an unfair one that undermines and silences discussion.

I appreciate that the film included parents who discovered that they needed to have compassion and Love for their children. I also understand that this played well into the “Don’t like gay marriage? Don’t get one” stance. However, I agree with the African-American mother when she said that she realized that her thoughts and fears about her daughter’s sexuality centered mainly around her having sex.* Her daughter is still her daughter, no matter to whom she is attracted, and she needed to remember that. This is an important thing to remember for every “Otherism,” including the otherism the movie displayed against their icon for “Christians who stand against ‘gay rights.’” We all struggle with our own burdens and understandings of our world. I don’t subscribe to the idea that the world is void of a Universal Truth, but I recognize that we’re all searching for it, even if that is subconsciously.

*This link will bring you to the part of the movie I mentioned above. Note: I don't 100% agree with her approach, but she made a good point that can help those of us who forget to Love all people.

Multicultural Education

Lenten Letters

I live by the guideline that sharing what you are giving up for Lent overrides the sacrifice of whatever you're giving up. I think you've already gotten your reward when you start telling people about your sacrifice...

However, I'm pretty excited about one of these Lenten goals I have, so I will share! As you may know, I get to marry by best friend, the man God made for me, in May. That means I change my name in less than four months and I have to start hoping all of these kind free-address-label people will start sending me new return address stickers.

But what to do with all of these?

Years of collecting these stickers has left me with a hefty pile of stickers that will be out-of-date once summer rolls around. What a waste! Or is it?

Hear ye, friends o'mine. I am going to do my very best to use up as many of these stickers as possible and get in touch with old friends through the beautifully lost art of writing letters during Lent. It's time for me to strengthen my relationships prior to getting married. I'd say it's a good habit I should already have under my belt and I'll start with Lent.

If you want a postcard or letter from me, please comment below (making sure your email address is attached to it, but don't put it IN the comment) and I will do my best to reach you!

Reconnecting with friends. That's how I will #LiveLent.

Lenten Letters

What I Wore Sunday, 16

A few weeks ago I realized I had virtually nothing in my closet that fit me properly. Since I started running about a year and a half ago, I've lost several pounds (yay!). My first world problem is: now I need a new wardrobe.

So I bought a bunch of clothes and I look forward to showing them off!

Polka dotted wrap top: Goodwill, $3 (I love that place)
Red tank: H&M (meaning, probably $5)
Red ankle pants: Ann Taylor Loft, $20 -- Super duper big time sale. You should check it out.
Grey Flats: Target from several years ago, $5 (do you see a trend?)

It was snowing this morning, so yes, I wore a sweater with this. It looks much cuter this way :)

What I Wore Sunday, 16

Small-v vocation

Sticks and stones? Sometimes kids can hurt your feelings.

Yesterday was my first time in my observation placement for this semester (the one with third graders vs the one with 4th and 5th graders) and it was INSPIRING. These kids were amazing and their teacher made it look so easy. She must have set up some serious classroom management practices in the beginning of the year because they were respectful little angels. I took copious notes.

In September, I started teaching a class of third graders at the church nearby my university. This is my first year of grad school as I work toward my elementary education masters and I wanted some extra in-class experience. Plus, I loved the 1st graders I helped teach a couple years ago and I was ready for that rush again.

Really?

I've thought of many reasons why this year's CCD class has been so challenging (I wasn't there for the first class, so I couldn't set up a classroom management system; they only see us for one hour a week, so why would they listen to us? And they have the. most. boring activity books), but on Sunday I realized I need to just start the journey from wherever my feet are right now. Every Sunday feels like a struggle for power with these kids and it weighed on me.

This weekend I faced one of my biggest fears: a little kid said something negative about me to my face. Ouch. Way to challenge my faith in myself, kid. Needless to say, I spent some time in the dumps over it.

Yesterday I felt more comfortable with the kids in the class I visited than I do with my CCD class. It could be due to knowing I had a fresh start or because the teacher had such a great classroom environment already set up. However, I think it was mostly due to my own relief.

There. I'm relieved I finally had a bad moment as a teacher. I was worried that would happen and now that it has, I can move on and improve myself. Phewwww.

Small-v vocation

What I Wore on Sunday, 15

Ask my family: I'm not a daring fashionista. I have to make a conscious effort to put on a colorful blouse instead of the t-shirt I wore to bed.

Today, I decided to take it up a notch. It's my first "What I Wore on Sunday" post in celebration of my first time back with my CCD class since December! By the way... I'm teaching a third grade CCD class here at school. Time flies and we're already halfway through the year!

• Blue bubble dress: London Times, but I got it at the Goodwill for $11
• Purple cardigan: Merona (Target) - One of my favorites!
• Black cami under the dress to keep things classy
• Black tights to keep things from freezing my legs off
• Purple suede shoes because I'm feeling sassy today
• Long string of pearls wrapped around three times: a birthday present from my late Gramma. The last time I wore these to class, one of the third graders said she liked it. It's going for a round two compliment.

Go visit Fine Linen and Purple for more!

What I Wore on Sunday, 15

Math in Life

Mathematicians get it.

Math in Life

Weight of Mentality

Pinterest has been invaded by spammers preying on women who pin, and pin, and pin about tips and tricks for losing weight. Women keep pinning and re-pinning these spam-laced pins because they believe they'll read them, eventually, and live up to the toned woman in the photo doing whatever exercise the spammer knew would catch the female eye.

They know how to get to us, don't they?

Over the past three years, I've been fortunate to finally find some success in this realm of my life and I want to share with you the "secrets." Not secret diet or the perfect all-over exercise regimen, but the real secrets behind the eyes of a woman struggling with her weight: the real weight lies in your mentality.

This is not a new idea. However, I know when I was unhappy with my weight, I plagued Google for every tip, trick, or motivation some stranger would share. This list is written for women, men, the overweight, the underweight, and for those who never really had to think about their weight.

• Fear - when I was overweight, there was a constant and overwhelming fear that someone was going to yell something rude at me about my weight. I also feared that everyone around me saw nothing but the fat girl. This mental elephant sat on my shoulders for years and even after I had lost enough weight to be out of the medical "overweight" category.
• Faking it - Though I constantly complained to my family about my weight and made a few little jokes with my friends about my weight, I tried never to verbally self-identify as the fat girl in public. I might comment about how other girls were little or compliment others on being cute and small, but I tried not to make fat jokes about myself. I think that's a slippery slope.
• What is "enough?" - Another fear I had was that any success I had with weight loss would be quickly eclipsed by a bad snacking day or a gradual let down of my guard. I also told myself that I was worried that the success would be so great that I might get too skinny and not be able to stop. Now I see that this is really a crutch, but it is something to keep in mind. It shouldn't get in our way and if we're losing weight the healthy way, it isn't much of a possibility.
• Boy-friendly sized? - Typical, right? I ached for years believing that no boy would date me unless A) he was 400 lbs or B) I was 100 lbs. This is like the hunger growl that creeps from your stomach during a quiet moment in class (no pun intended); an empty pain based on the untruth that I'm only as valuable as someone's first impression of me. Yes, the way I treat my body (ie. the cookie binging nights) is a reflection of how I treat my insides. Now that I am in shape again and have found my value within, I feel more like myself than ever before. Still, the poison I fed myself regarding my undesirability was the real turn-off. BONUS: it's quality of the man, not quantity or ease of "capture" ;)
• Helpless anxiety - I once heard someone say that being addicted to food was a much harder addiction to overcome than any narcotic addiction because we can't quit food cold turkey. We have to coexist with food for the rest of our life. For those who have never needed to lose significant weight or keep any kind of restraint on your diet beyond avoiding cake, try to understand this: imagine hating how you look and knowing that the dinner (even if it's healthy) you just cooked for yourself is just another version of the food that added to your frame. For me, being overweight felt like I was wearing a rubber suit that was superglued to my skin. I knew it wasn't part of who I was (deep down, I believe I knew this), but I didn't see how I could remove it. There was a grey cloud of guilt with every single bite I took, unless it was a vengeful bite taken among several on a day I said, "Forget this! It's been a week and I haven't seen an ounce of difference!"

True cliche: Both of the above ladies are beautiful and valued. God created both and used their life trials to lead them to their true identity.

My final note here is that this is not a commentary along the lines of "bigger is beautiful" just as much as it is not a commentary stating that all women should be size 4. I believe we have a duty to our bodies as temples to work to be healthy and mental health is foremost (IMHO). 

If you have ever struggled with this identity crisis, do these resonate with you? What would you add?

If you have not struggled with this, would you share with us something that surprises you? Or challenge me! Please!

Weight of Mentality